Control vs. Surrender
Jun 07, 2018
Key Questions to ask Yourself?
- Do I relate to or attempt to relate to people in a controlling manner?
- Am I controlling with myself?
- Do I use control as a way to manage my discomfort?
- Do I control out of habit?
- Do I control when I am afraid?
- Who do I allow to control me?
- Do I use controlling behavior or language when I am hurt?
- How long have I engaged in controlling behavior in my life?
- Do I control (manipulate) to get what I want?
- Am I controlling when I get angry?
- Do I use anger to control myself and/or others?
Control & Childhood
The mechanism of control originates in childhood. We used controlling thoughts and behaviors to cope. Though they were not healthy coping strategies, we still used them to “get by.” The mechanism of control is not a destructive behavior; however, it can become such because of the reasons why we begin to use it. We begin to be manipulative and indirect with those we love, and those who love us do the same towards us. We use control to hide our feelings and intentions or motives. We begin to lie about what we want or what we need, and we cover-up our inappropriate behaviors that we feel shame around. We use control to feel entitled to anything we want, to the exclusion or detriment of others. We employ control in order to use people and tell ourselves that they are there for our benefit and use.
Control is an Emotional Cancer
The damaging effects of controlling thoughts and behaviors are never-ending and too numerous to list. To control someone or to be controlled by someone is a spiritual and emotional cancer that has such far-reaching effects that few people can accurately describe the damage that is done to them psychologically, mentally, financial, spiritually, etc. It affects every area of their life and ravages their soul to the point that they have no peace. This destruction is happening to the controller and to the one being controlled. The frightening thing is that many people don’t even know what is happening to them until they are so sucked into the cycle of control that they either need professional help to get out or they feel helpless and hopeless to escape. Some even believe that death is their only way out.
The Process of Surrender is to:
- Articulate what “needs” surrendering: For example, “I need to surrender my rent going up.”
- Feel the emotions attached to the thing I can’t control: For example, “I feel anger, confusion and feelings of being out of control, because my rent is going up and I’m on a fixed income.”
- Verbalize your emotions to another person who can witness your experience and validate you and how out of control you feel (or how not in control you are): For example, “It makes sense that you feel the way you do about your rent going up.”
- Think about what you can do (within reason) and follow through with all that you can do: For example, “I could talk to the landlords and let them know that it will be difficult for us to make our rent payment and that we might need to move if our rent goes up.”
- Make sure you feel seen and heard (validated)—others need not agree with you in order for you to be validated: For example, “I understand why you feel the way you do and how frustrating it is when all you can do does not change the uncomfortable Reality.”
- Surrender/Let Go: For example, “I need to let go of the outcome that my rent is going to rise. I’ve done all I can do, and I will make other choices if my rent rises.”
These concepts are explained in great detail in our Control vs Surrender Workbook and DVD. Over 60 pages of information and over 120 pages in exercises which will transform your life!
Learn more about how you and all of us control and the secret to feeling and being at peace with yourself.
Try an exercise from the workbook!
Exercise 12: Surrendering in Detail (Pg. 191 in Workbook)
Surrendering is an active process. It means you:
- Trust the process.
- Recognize you are you are out of control (not in control) and need to surrender.
- Articulate what you need to let go of, that you are not in control of.
- Imagine surrendering to God or a Higher Power.
- Say to self, “I can’t hold this. I can’t change this and I need to let it go. Will you (God / Higher Power) please take it?”
- Breathe and consciously let it go.
- Repeat the steps again and again until it (the issue) is released and stays away.
List 5 things, situations, areas, experiences, etc. that you have taken personal. Write them down.
For Example: I did not make the cheerleading squad and I took it personal by thinking that I was cut because I was not as cute as the other girls.
Exercise continued in the workbook . . .
I enjoy seeing people come into the Truth and expose the lies that distortion has been telling them for years and choose to become free from it's bonds.